Thursday, January 3, 2008

First Snippet!

Okay. Here it is. I promised snippets and I'm making good on that. This is the first scene from ASF. The usual caveats apply. Please DON'T quote or repost anywhere in any format. Got it? It's mine ... all mine I tell you!! [stops to recover breath:-)]. What do you think?
*****
"I don't think we should be here right now," Bryn muttered.

"You could be right," Llaswyr said. He was confident that they couldn't be seen. Lying belly down in the straggly weeds, their grey uniforms would blend into the background. He pushed aside a frond of heather to get a better view of their horses being led up the road that zigzagged across the outcrop and through the gatehouse into the castle. "Whose idea was this?"

"Mine." Bryn sighed, "I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"

Llaswyr gave him a humorless smile. To be fair it wasn't all Bryn's fault. No one was holding a knife at his throat when he agreed to this jaunt. But the chance of seeing the castle for himself was too good to refuse. He wasn't going to let Bryn off lightly just the same. "Probably not. You know why?"

"Go on. Enlighten me."

"Because, Bryn, we left in such a hurry I didn't take the gem shipment out of my saddlebag before we set off and when he finds out, my father's going to have my balls."

"Catref's Crown!"

"Mmmm. That's about the only thing that'd save me. Want to go in there," Llaswyr nodded toward the castle, "and see if we can find it?" He accepted Bryn's obscenely jerked fist as refusal.

"Seen enough?" Bryn asked.

Llaswyr had seen more than enough. Mighty Catref it was called and now he knew why. The legends hadn't exaggerated its size or its apparent impregnability, even after five hundred years of Wildlander occupation. It was the color of the place that amazed him, though. Built of what appeared to be polished ledspar -- but that was impossible -- nevertheless, it glittered in the weak, winter sunshine with a vague purple tinge. A pair of octagonal towers guarded the gate and two-by-two protected the corners of the outer walls, while single towers split the length of the wall that he could see. The roadway's design ensured that no one could ride to the gate at speed, and any who approached would be in bow range the entire time. It was said that four men could defend that gate for a year if they didn't run out of arrows. He believed it.

They slid back down the bank of the cutting and as they scrambled across the streambed, he lost his footing. Bryn grabbed his arm. "Careful Llaswyr! I'm not going to carry you back. How long d'you think it'll take us?"

"Too blasted long." They were a half-day's ride from where the rest of his unit was camped. Sergeant Talin hadn't been happy when he'd announced that he was going to take Lieutenant Bryn on a scouting mission; he'd be less happy when they ... "Wait! You do still have the treaty don't you?" Bad enough that he'd lost the gem shipment bound for Iostyn along with two horses, failing to deliver the treaty to Lady Glasyn would really put paid to any hope he had of forgiveness. In his mind's eye, he could see his father's angry glare.

Bryn's jaw dropped, then he clenched his teeth, sucked in a breath and looked distinctly uncomfortable. And then he grinned, patted his chest and tossed a malformed salute in Llaswyr's direction. "Right here, Captain. I do follow orders sometimes y'know."

Llaswyr shook his head, rolled his eyes and said, "You're a krell, you know that?"

"And you're a sheep-poking --"

"Now! It was only the once." The long-standing joke between them. He ducked the fist that swung toward him, "Come on, 's go. You can take the rear."

"I still think we should have gone straight to Iostyn. This Rhynissa diversion is ... well it's just that, isn’t it? A diversion. Face it my friend, your time's up."

But he didn't want to face it, and if he was honest Bryn was right. He shouldn't have taken the treaty from the messenger, but Rhynissa was not that far from their track. Even now, if nothing else went wrong, they'd get to Iostyn by First Night Eve. Probably. Possibly. And he needed time to think up a reason why the gem shipment was missing. The truth wouldn't do.

Bryn's voice behind him, "I'll bet you ten dramels we'll get back before midnight."

"You think we're going to stroll?" Llaswyr squinted at the sky, "Make it sun down and you're on. That is, if you can keep up with me."

As he set off at an easy lope, he thought he heard Bryn swearing under his breath. But he might have been wrong.

3 comments:

Theadra Leilani said...

Wow. I remember seeing this on Flogging the Quill. It's definitely better, I can see all the work you put into it. A couple small things and I hope you forgive me: lostyn, reading the lines it sounds like the proper name of a place but it was never capitalized. That threw me off a little because I couldn't figure out exactly what it was supposed to be. The setting is terrific, but coming in from the outside I can't tell if it's very far past, very far future, or some distant planet. There were just enough references to things the characters understood that I‘d never heard of at all that it kept me off balance. Okay, one more... (Please don't hate me) toward the end Llaswyr calls Bryn a krell. Bryn makes a reference to Llaswyr and sheep poking (which is funny and well done) but then Llaswyr says only once and someone ducked a fist and said, "You can take the rear." In the context of the paragraph it looks like Llaswyr is ducking the fist, but since he was just playfully insulted, I can't figure out why he isn't the one throwing the fist. Why did Bryn throw a fist at all? He wasn't insulted. It was a little confusing. I'm sorry; I'm just being honest. Keep going, I would love to read more. You are a good writer with a knack for humor, which is really hard to do. Thanks for sharing.

Liz Brooker said...

Thanks Theadra, I really appreciate your comments. I believe that the font is the problem you're seeing with the capitalizing of I as in Iostyn, which, as you correctly surmised is indeed a place name. If the blog was using courier you'd see it clearly. Point taken with Llaswyr ducking Bryn's fist. Yes that is what's happening, I know these guys! Trouble is no one else does, and I keep forgetting that! So either I have to clarify or cut. Lemme think about that for a while.

Theadra Leilani said...

I know what you mean about knowing your characters. It's a wierd thing sometimes. I wouldn't cut it, because it gives us insight into the relationship. Maybe you could expand it some so that we also understand. Maybe by adding a few lines of dialogue, we can see what you know, and understand why Bryn is jabbing.